Man, idk.
Lately I’ve been thinking about the resistance I have about practicing, making, refining, and publishing my music. For years now I’m in this weird paralysis that looks something like: I start > it sounds bad > I get frustrated > I get frustrated that I’m frustrated > burn myself out overthinking > try to accept the fact that I probably just don’t love music THAT much and shouldn’t get upset over it > get upset that I’m upset because I feel like I’m a poser (a fake music lover?? idfk??) > force myself to abandon the subject as a whole and forget about the dilemma.
Then 5 months later I would start again now that I’ve forgotten the elephant hiding in the fridge. But it has always been there and always will if I can’t figure out how to get him out.
In recent months I’ve really tried to approach this more systematically like my therapist suggested. Find the root cause(s) for this shebang, validate/invalidate them, then work on each ticket where applicable. Here’s what I have for now.
- I love music. This is the catalyst really. None of this would be an issue if I just don’t care about making my own thing or feel some sort of personal responsibility to create and express, and in a way scream to the world HEY I’M HERE. This is not something I want to change or “fix”. There’s nothing wrong with my love for the art, and it in of itself is pure and serene, and have been a safe haven of mine for as long as I remember. Separating it as its own cause, however, helps me convince myself that I actually do love music a whole lot, which helps end the paralysis cycle above mid way.
- I’m egotistic For a long time I’ve convinced myself that I live under a giant microscope where everyone and I mean every single person I know and care is judging me. Here are the problems to it: (1) It shouldn’t matter anyway, and (2) they are probably not doing it. Part of me also didn’t want to know that I’m bad at music. I wanted to think that I’m more talented than I actually am, and for a long time I based my self-image around being an artist without making or doing any art. I will probably write more about this in another post, but essentially these pertains to the id, ego, and superego thingy. The realization and acceptance of this issue has been instrumental in my growth as a person in the last year or so.
- I seek validation Not too different from the point above, but it’s different in how I resolve it internally. I depend on external validation a lot for literally my whole life, and now that I’m an adult, it becomes increasingly rare to get those. I also think life is too short to be living for others or what I think they think I should do. It occurs to me recently that I seek “permission” to do my art. I would happily do something for a friend’s project but would never make my own thing that I want. Seems like it’s not laziness at all, but that I need some form of permission, something external that tells me “this is needed, go do it.”
- Mistake != Failure For a long time I feel like there’s always a stake in making music: if I put out bad music now, people won’t care when I truly make things I want to share and I’m killing my chance to be a superstar. The last part is an exaggeration but you get the idea. By treating people’s attention and good impression of me as a sort of finite resources I simultaneously feed my validation seeking tendency AND build a false sense of the nature of growth, support, and music-making as a whole.
The cure for the last 2? I think it’s just acknowledging it, pointing it out when it flares up, and keep going. This is what I’ve been telling myself:
- It’s ok if you don’t want to make music. Just don’t make it. But you would be lying to yourself if you say so.
- You can’t call yourself an artist and not participate in art making. What’s worse than bad music is mediocre music, and what’s worse than that is no music at all.
- Can’t be a perfectionist without something to perfect. It’s just analysis and anxiety paralysis.
With that being said i guess I’ll just go a head make music. It will be bad, hopefully only at first, and it won’t sound like how I imagine it. But I’ll do it because I want to and not because I should or it would be a waste or to prove something to anyone. I’ll probably update it in my main landing page at some point, but we’ll see about that.